Today, I am overwhelmed. I am in a medium flare and have been feeling exhausted for a week. I slept too much last night; which sounds almost hilarious for us survivors with chronic pain! It is not funny at all as it causes me to get incredible neck pain. This often builds into a full flare. And, today, I have to get a few things done, period. Sigh.
I have learned that sometimes my life is just this way. I don’t want to get started. I hurt. I feel like I should just forget about it and don’t bother with anything. Then I remember why I would be worse if I did that. And, I get going. I take no rest time as I usually do each morning. If I did, I would give up. I want the benefits of the outcome of my actions, so, I must do it. I am sure that my Peers can relate to this.
I make my tea, I look at my list of preplanned chores and pick the most important ones. I get dressed and start doing them. I push my pain to the back of mind. I have to keep doing this every half hour, it is a power struggle between me and Fibromyalgia; one that I will win. I remind myself that once the chores I have to do are completed, I can lay down and space out. It is the first step in my rewards for conquering pain.
I am getting ready to go to my spiritual healing retreat. I will not be free of the pain by tomorrow when I leave, but, I will be happy to be there. If I missed out on this I would be very angry with myself. I discuss those little moments of joy and how I pay for them later, many times throughout this blog; this is one of those times. I can, I can, the hum of the little train going uphill. And, I make it. I am on top of the hill. Now, I just have to come down.
In this case, coming down will be happy and then painful. But, isn’t life like this for everyone? Two more hours, then anthor hour at home and the couch is my refugee. Tomorrow, I will sit and meditate. I will hug my friends. I will be at peace in body and soul. It is worth the long haul up that mountain.
I rarely get to have those little moments, or few hours of joy and I will not allow Fibromyalgia to take this away. I remember the many years, when I was first diagnosed and these last two years, when I could not share in many happy times. I could not see my friends. I could not sit and mediate; the pain was too intense. I choose mind over body today. My body will always wish for me to stop enjoying life, but my mind can make other choices.
Choose your mind today. Go for it. Love and live.
Lucinda Tart, Fibromyalgia Peer Advocate/Life Skills Coach